Dilemma…but not.
Tonight I find myself pondering a question. As S___ fucks me, purposefully, but not forcefully, we talk about some things, mainly the fact that him hitting me excites me. I have a dilemma with this, I am an independent, strong, smart woman, why, as that, should I find being physically dominated, being taken forcefully, so arousing. Although I know S___ could never take me against my will, the thought still lingers. This morning we awoke and I was ready to get up, out of bed, and into the day. He wanted to be inside me. Although I wasn’t ready, wasn’t completely compliant, he rolled me to my back and forced himself between my legs. Not ready at first I melted with time, completely pliable, wanting to be his toy, willing to be completely used, without reward, there purely as a means for him to cum. Not that I didn’t find pleasure in it, cumming for me is always an explosion, I am lucky, on average I cum twice a day because of S___, but even when I don’t, the feeling of him inside me is indescribable. The discussion we had tonight as I was riding him was how I enjoy the helplessness, the lack of control, the occasional force, the orders. I can’t explain why, I think he has to do with desire. Desire is an amazing thing. The fact that S___ desires me, enough to take me when he wants, enough to tell me what he wants, enough to take what ever I do to him, is intoxicating, it gives me power, even as a submissive person.
I think what brought it up tonight was that for the first time in a while I was hit on. S___ stepped away for a short time, and the guy sitting next to me felt that desire for a moment, that boldness that makes you go for what you want. It made me feel powerful, it made me feel desired, it gave me a bit of attitude. S___ made me remember who was in charge as soon as we got home, and I loved it as usual. I still often wonder why. I see the small bruises on my arm and wear them with a secret pride. He wants me that much.
Anger can be mistaken for desire. Dominance can be seen as vengeance. This is never anything I have felt with S___ dominance is always given when I want it. Force is used, but not in anger.
I am lucky to have a lover that is willing to spank, smack, lick, kiss, fuck, and share. I want all of it.
A___
22 October 2007 at 12:57 am
Hi A… I feel the same way i feel bout my “S”.. M so stern n unapproachable in front of the world.. But when m at his home, my defenses just melt away in his desire for me.. His, hunger, his want excites me too.. But a lil shred of want 2b ab upper hand has me stop him everytime he tries to come inside me.. We both come explosively 4-5 times iin course of 3 hours.. Itz wot every gal desires in der fantasies but still i never let him have me completely yet…. Dunno y..