Bedroom Closet

Tonight I find myself pon­der­ing a ques­tion. As S___ fucks me, pur­pose­fully, but not force­fully, we talk about some things, mainly the fact that him hit­ting me excites me. I have a dilemma with this, I am an inde­pen­dent, strong, smart woman, why, as that, should I find being phys­i­cally dom­i­nated, being taken force­fully, so arous­ing. Although I know S___ could never take me against my will, the thought still lingers. This morn­ing we awoke and I was ready to get up, out of bed, and into the day. He wanted to be inside me. Although I wasn’t ready, wasn’t com­pletely com­pli­ant, he rolled me to my back and forced him­self between my legs. Not ready at first I melted with time, com­pletely pli­able, want­ing to be his toy, will­ing to be com­pletely used, with­out reward, there purely as a means for him to cum. Not that I didn’t find plea­sure in it, cum­ming for me is always an explo­sion, I am lucky, on aver­age I cum twice a day because of S___, but even when I don’t, the feel­ing of him inside me is inde­scrib­able. The dis­cus­sion we had tonight as I was rid­ing him was how I enjoy the help­less­ness, the lack of con­trol, the occa­sional force, the orders. I can’t explain why, I think he has to do with desire. Desire is an amaz­ing thing. The fact that S___ desires me, enough to take me when he wants, enough to tell me what he wants, enough to take what ever I do to him, is intox­i­cat­ing, it gives me power, even as a sub­mis­sive person.

I think what brought it up tonight was that for the first time in a while I was hit on. S___ stepped away for a short time, and the guy sit­ting next to me felt that desire for a moment, that bold­ness that makes you go for what you want. It made me feel pow­er­ful, it made me feel desired, it gave me a bit of atti­tude. S___ made me remem­ber who was in charge as soon as we got home, and I loved it as usual. I still often won­der why. I see the small bruises on my arm and wear them with a secret pride. He wants me that much.

Anger can be mis­taken for desire. Dom­i­nance can be seen as vengeance. This is never any­thing I have felt with S___ dom­i­nance is always given when I want it. Force is used, but not in anger.

I am lucky to have a lover that is will­ing to spank, smack, lick, kiss, fuck, and share. I want all of it.

A___

This entry was posted on Monday, October 22nd, 2007 at 12:10 am and is filed under sex. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.