Bedroom Closet

(written but not sent, thought but not shared, a draft I will always have, just in case)

M___,

As I write this I am wondering why. There is nothing about our friendship that I would change, well nothing now, nothing that could change and have the current be the same. I love you dearly, as one of my greatest friends, one that I could never let go of, I feel that I should be honest with you.

I think of you. I think of you in ways that “friends” don’t always think of each other on occasion. A dream I had the other night brought it to the front of my mind.

We were at our house, hosting something, people were downstairs and we remained in the kitchen. Every time we turned we were facing, closer and closer, laughing each time it happened. I would look up at you and smile, and more than anything want to kiss you. The dream went on with us in this state, this constant closeness, brushing up against one another, looking at each other in the same longing way. The last part I remember is not being able to hold anymore, reaching up and kissing you gently, and you returning it with relief almost, until we were in such a passionate, deep kiss that I felt it when I awoke.

I remember the few times kissing you, having my arms around you, feeling you envelope me. When we are close I still feel it. When we are the most uninhibited, that tingle, that longing returns.

The times where we laughed off our desire, or maybe that was just me, not sure of what to do with my feelings toward you. I always saw you as amazing, in every way, I still do. To think of us as lovers…I wouldn’t know where to begin. The kisses alone had so much. Touching you, tracing your body with my fingertips, covering it with kisses, feeling its warmth. I can feel your lips on my body as well, exploring, your hands touching every curve. Our bodies so different, yet familiar, fitting together as if they had always been.

Imagining what could have happened, thinking of how we could have shared each other, and any one else we had wanted. It gives me shivers and sends familiar warmth all over my body. Without the men we love, I can imagine we would have loved each other equally.

I wouldn’t change our friendship, such a valuable, beautiful thing. For some reason I wanted you to know that I always want your friendship, but the thought has been there to want something more as well.

Love always,

A___